Dear, dear

I’m always that middle man, the intermediate, the step between needing and loving. I’m the pit stop where people come and unload their problems but forget that a person resides in the teller’s box. I’m the halfway point between falling apart and getting it together. Don’t worry. Stop here. Tell me what’s wrong. Use me for your own devices. Take and take. Don’t ask if I mind. You and I both know that’s not your concern. Your concern is yourself. You need to get back on track, clear your mind, unload your emotions. You need advice. You need direction. You need me – but only for a moment. Only until I satisfy that void. Only until I fix you up.

And then you go. You leave and carry on your way. You forget that a person resides inside the teller’s box. A person with a life, with feelings, with thoughts and hopes and dreams and problems of their own. You forget. You never knew in the first place. Because you never looked.

So carry on.

Until we meet again.
Welcome back.

How can I help you?


The Little Things

The Little Things

I like that moment just after the rain clears. I like the feeling of coziness that accompanies Christmastime. I like when nature can take my breath away. I like looking into someone’s eyes and finding them there, looking back. I like when you can be silent with another person and still be comfortable. I like when touching by accident isn’t awkward. I like meeting someone for the first time and instantly feeling like I’ve known them my entire life.

I like that moment when you first wake up and your bed is so comfortable and you feel completely relaxed. I like the feeling of spring. I like capturing memories with pictures. I like when I’m not the only one who feels something. I like when I’m reading and I have to put the book down for a moment because a sentence just resonated that deeply with me. I like being able to create something out of nothing.

I like the sound of a piano playing. I like when making eye contact isn’t awkward. I like when people laugh. I like thinking about how big the universe is. I like noticing little details about people. I like when people notice little details about me. I like the feeling of a brand new book being opened for the first time. I like how clean a fresh journal looks.

I like that split-second at the top of a roller coaster right before the drop. I like happy accidents. I like words of affirmation. I like transformative moments for characters. I like when I can say hi to a passing stranger and it isn’t weird. I like looking at the stars and pretending I’m in a snow globe. I like how your cheeks burn from the cold after a fast sled ride down a hill. I like feeling someone else’s heart beating.

I like that moment when a conversation suddenly becomes real and alive, dissolving the layers of irony and sarcasm  both people have been hiding under. I like when someone says something that grounds me, and for a moment I don’t feel so at odds with the world. I like when an every day moment seems so irrelevant at the time, but when I look back, it was an essential turning point in life.

I like making eye contact with someone from across a room and having that one little action speak more volumes than their words ever will. I like when someone hugs me for a second longer. I like when all the things that were left unsaid are finally said. I like putting recognition to these little moments that happen every day, but that people rarely take notice of.

New Year, New_____?

I’ve decided to do two things in 2017. They’re not necessarily resolutions per say, but more like a change of mindset.

  1. Find something lovable in everyone.

I really believe that there is something to love in every single person. I’m making it a point that every time I meet a new person this year, I’m going to make a mental note of something positive or lovable about them. It’s so easy, especially with women, to instantly and usually unknowingly, negatively judge a person right from the start. We notice how their hair is an odd color. We notice how her boots don’t match her outfit. We notice how he is wearing the same hoodie that he wore yesterday. Let’s notice how nice she always is. Let’s notice how lively he is when he tells you a story. Let’s spread some love.

2.  Say ‘Yes’

I decided to do this after having read Shonda Rhimes’ book Year of Yes. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. I never realized how much I resonated with Shonda and had in common with her. Shonda had decided that, for one year, she would say ‘yes’ to everything that scared her or pushed her out of her comfort zone. She describes her experiences in her book and explains how helpful this process was to her.


So many times while reading her book, I’d think to myself, “Yes. That’s me. I do that.” And I wasn’t always proud about it. The best way that I can describe myself is an introvert who can sometimes be an extrovert socially. But I’m inside my head a lot. I’m always thinking and analyzing and wondering things. That’s not always a bad thing, but I realized how detrimental my own thoughts can sometimes be to myself, especially when anxiety stems from it. So:

Yes to meeting new people.

Yes to meeting that person for coffee.

Yes to going new places.

Yes to doing things that scare me.

Yes to doing things that push me to new levels.




Something More

I can’t help but get the feeling that there is something more to life. We’re missing it. It just doesn’t make sense to me to wake up to a 9-to-5, maybe longer, to the same routine, and to hate it. Over and over and over again.

We go to school.

We go to college.

We work hard every day and still we’re in debt. Loans. Bills.

Can’t afford a house. Can’t afford a family.

And when we can, we have to work the system to keep it all.

More work.

More bills.

More 9-to-5’s.

Tell me, are you happy?

Maybe right now, at this moment, watching your kid’s soccer game you are.

But are you really happy?

Anytime I mention this to anyone, they look at me like I’ve got three heads and just descended from some other universe. “That’s just life”, they say. Let me word it this way:

Are you completely fulfilled? Every day? Completely happy?

There’s always something that we want and the problem is that we think that we have to work the system in order to get it. If we just work a little bit harder then we’ll have more money, we can buy that nicer house and we will be happy, right? Wrong.

The system is fucked.

We make things ten times harder for ourselves than they actually need to be. “It’s not that simple”, seems to be everyone’s favorite phrase. But really, it is. We’ve just been programmed into thinking that we need society’s approval when we want something. There’s horrible things happening in the world on a daily basis, people don’t know what they want, people aren’t happy. Everyone says how society has changed, possibly for the worst. So then, why do we want society’s opinion anyways?

Some things are beyond our control and with that, we have to take it as it comes. But life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react to it. So for that other 80%, why not choose to be happy?

We are chasing after the wrong things. The materialistic will never completely fulfill the void. That J. Crew jacket might feel great when you wear it to the next work party but it’s not going to comfort you when your husband dies. The newest version of iPhone is not going to take away any pain or sorrow you might end up with in your life. You cannot make personal connections with material goods. It is unrealistic to expect that the material will fill the empty void of love and personal connection that you’re missing.

So what do we do? It’s even more unrealistic to tell everyone to drop their iPhones and go back to the Razor. That’s not what I’m saying. Buy your iPhones. Go to college. Get a job. But in the meantime, go after what you want. Stop being so afraid of the world and go after it. Stop wanting a defective society’s approval on how to live your life. They’re probably going to find something wrong with it anyways so you might as well do what you want to do. And by doing what you want, chasing after your own happiness, finding compassion for others – maybe we can make this society a whole lot less defective.

If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared, even if you think it’s not the right thing to do. What if they’re thinking the same thing? What if they’re waiting for you to make the first move? Love that person until the ends of the earth, whoever they may be. We have no right to judge. Love is so pure, it would be a sin to judge such a purposeful and positive thing. If you want to put college on pause for a year and go backpack Europe, then do it. College can wait. Life cannot. Go to a new culture. Study it. Learn something. Find compassion where compassion doesn’t exist. Bring it there so that they have it. Connect with the world and everything in it. Connect with people. Experience something. Do something. Dive so deep into something that you can’t find any reason to turn back. Experience everything full and wholly and completely, in the moment, every moment.

Wouldn’t that be a life worth living?

What If

There’s this person in my head. She is brilliant, capable. She can do chest tubes and craniums. She can run a code without freaking out. She’s a really good surgeon, maybe even a great surgeon. She’s me, only so much better and I’m afraid I’ll never become this person because something keeps getting in the way.

-Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy, S4E14

Another Grey’s Anatomy reference, but this one is so unbelievably true I had to post it. It took the words right out of my mouth. Because it’s one of my greatest fears every day.

Part of me feels good and on top of the game and invincible, but there is an equally large part of myself that dares to wonder ‘what if’. What if I don’t make it? What if I’m not the best? What if everything was actually for nothing? What if my best still isn’t good enough? What if I’m left with nothing?

Some days, fear propels me to succeed just as much as my love of medicine does.

Food For Thought…

Everything happens for a reason, but everyone expects that the reason things are happening is to benefit themselves in the long run. What if things happen to you for reason in order to benefit somebody else? What if the reason things happen to us is so that our lives can intertwine and we can all help one another, learn from one another, connect with one another, love one another…